I’ve been a believer all my life and have loved the Lord since I was little. Although I grew up in a Christian home and attended church regularly, I didn’t always serve Him.

I started using various drugs and alcohol before I was a teenager. At 14, I began using meth. At 15, I got pregnant with my oldest daughter and gave birth to her when I turned 16. Although my sinful actions got me pregnant, God used her to pluck me off the path that would have probably resulted in an early death.

When I was 17, I got pregnant again. Out of fear of getting left behind in the rapture with a baby in my womb, I knew I needed to change my ways. So my boyfriend, who is now my husband, and I decided to get married. By the grace of God, we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.

Whenever fear drove me to change, it was always short-lived, as I would always fall back into my addictions. I tried my best to serve the Lord, but it always felt like it was never enough. I constantly feared that I had forgotten to confess a sin, so I was always asking Him to forgive me every time I sinned, no matter how small it was, even for sins I might not know about. I was afraid that if I died without confessing everything, I would go to hell.

One day, I thought I had committed the unpardonable sin. The enemy was constantly putting blasphemous thoughts in my head that provoked tormenting anxiety. I felt like I was going crazy. Finally, I gave up. I told God it was impossible to serve Him and that I would rather walk away than live in fear. So I did.

Some years later, after my son was born, everything started to change. One day, after receiving an unexpected promotion at work, I asked God, “Why are You still good to me when all I’ve ever done is disappoint You?” And He answered me, “You gave your heart to Me when you were a little girl, and no one can pluck you out of My hands, not even yourself.” It blew my mind, but I couldn’t fully comprehend it.

Once, I was in my backyard getting high, and I heard the Lord tell me, “Why are you wallowing around in the mud with the pigs when I’ve washed you white as snow?” Again, it amazed me, but I still didn’t understand and was still not free from the addiction.

Shortly thereafter, I was going through a rough time, completely broken. I told God that I couldn’t do this anymore. I said, “I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I can’t serve You, it’s impossible. I don’t care what You decide to do, even if it means I die, I don’t want to do this anymore. I just can’t take it.”

Right after that, a man came to my fence and asked if I was okay. He handed me a card with a picture of Jesus and asked if I wanted to know Him. I said, “No, thank you.” As he walked away, fear hit me. I thought, “Did I just reject Jesus?” I ran after him, but he was nowhere to be found. That’s when I became even more afraid.

Terrified, I went into my house and started praying. I told God I needed Him, but I couldn’t even get myself together enough to pick up the Bible and start reading. I was too weak. So I turned on the television and searched for the Christian channel, Trinity Broadcasting Network. That was the first time I had ever heard Pastor Joseph Prince. I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

He said that when you receive Jesus, His blood continually cleanses you, like a waterfall of grace. My head said there’s no way, but something in my heart knew that this had to be right. I heard Pastor Prince say that if the blood of bulls and goats was sufficient for the Israelites for a whole year, how much more is the perfect blood of the Lamb of God? His blood is more than sufficient to pay for all of your sins, past, present, and future. My mind was blown, and that truth set me free.

The desire for drugs and alcohol left me. I didn’t try to quit this time. It was gone. The taste wasn’t there anymore. Although I went through withdrawal, God got me through it. I couldn’t get enough of His Word. I kept hearing and hearing and hearing. Praise God. This was about 14 years ago. Since then, as I began to understand grace, He has slowly and gently been working to uproot fear, unforgiveness, and wrong beliefs.

I’m so thankful to have access to years of sermons. I listen every day, sometimes multiple messages, even as I sleep. God has used this ministry to bring Jesus to the core of my being, and I will forever be grateful. May God continuously keep you protected and bless you and your family abundantly in Jesus’ name!