No More Suicidal Thoughts After Discovering God’s Love

At the height of my career success, I was at my darkest point. According to the world, I was performing well. My name was known for getting the job done and I was counted on. But I was miserable. I was fighting for my life.

Every time I missed the mark, suicidal thoughts were never far behind. I was always ready to throw away my life over every layoff, resignation, mistake, and failure in the eyes of my family or when I felt I did not measure up.

One day, after I was laid off and looking for work, I caught this Asian man on the TV talking about the cycle of condemnation. I was at my lowest. I was caught in a cycle at that moment and I was drowning in my perceived failure. The words I heard that day began a journey for me. A journey to find out if what this man said could possibly be true.

Does God love me even when I fail? Even when I get angry? Does God love me at my worst? No one else ever did, and I grew up in the church. My grandmother had me at church on Sunday, Wednesday, Saturday and sometimes the days in between too. She was a missionary who was active in the community. But throughout all of that church-going, I never had the idea that God could love me when I was flawed.

Over time, I started looking for this Asian preacher and learned his name was Joseph Prince. It was like his words painted a picture of a God that seemed more accurate. I wanted to be accepted and to be loved unconditionally even when I fail, when I can’t do it, when I make mistakes. So it was water to my soul to hear the words from Pastor Prince that God is not looking at my failures, and that the blood of Jesus makes me the righteousness of God in Christ.

Knowing I don’t have to be perfect, that despite my mistakes, God still loves me—this revelation began a beautiful journey that I am still on. I have a Father who knows me. He calls me by name. He cares for the small and great things in my heart. He wants to set me free. He knows the things I need before I do.

I have not had a suicidal urge in years, and when the thought crosses my mind, I rebuke it because it is not my voice or God’s voice. Since I have accepted God’s love, I know His thoughts are good toward me.

God’s love is amazing!

Colorado, United States