Overcoming Severe Depression And Shame
I received Christ at the age of 13 and attended church regularly for about a year till the weekly pressure from church leaders to bring and convert newcomers got to me. I constantly felt like I was not good enough.
After I stopped attending church, my life went into a downward spiral. I used relationships to compensate for my low self-esteem, and ended up pregnant out of wedlock at 19. I married the father of my child, but divorced him a few years later when he cheated on me.
I met a man sometime later who was sincere towards me, and we were in a relationship for a year. But when his mother found out about us, she objected strongly, and so we split ways.
As much as I knew that I had to be strong for my child, I felt extremely dejected. I drank heavily, and when that did not work, I started having casual sex with strangers. I tried to put on a happy front but my heart was dying. I hated myself and started writing suicide notes. I was later diagnosed with severe depression and the therapist put me on medication because he was worried that I might hurt myself.
One day, feeling suicidal, I cried out to God to take me and my child away if my life was going to continue like this. Interestingly, shortly after that, I got to know a new friend, when I was working as a social escort, who invited me to New Creation Church [in Singapore]. Previously, every time I thought of attending church again, I would feel that I was too dirty and sinful for church. However this time round, something in my heart told me to go.
I will never ever forget how I felt as I listened to Pastor Prince preach the gospel of grace. It was as if every single sentence was meant for me. I stopped taking my anti-depressants that very night. I knew I did not need it anymore.
Eventually, I also stopped being a social escort. I felt like a new person. It has been three years since then, and I am falling deeper in love with Jesus every day.
My son is now in Primary 5 and the way I parent him has changed. I would remind him that it is Jesus who makes him successful. We are closer and happier together. We would always go to church and enjoy spending time together. My parents who are unbelievers are also happy that we go to church because they see the difference in us.
I no longer worry about finding a life partner who can accept my past. The sad songs in my MP3 player have been replaced with praise and worship songs. I am in awe of Jesus’ love for me and I want to dance with joy every day. Life is absolutely wonderful when you have the love of Jesus Christ.